I don’t what possesses the MTA to grant advertisers the right to plaster their visual fury on the walls of my subways, but I hope it’s a lucrative venture.  Someone better be profiting from the raping of my eyeballs, because it sure as hell isn’t me.  Between full-size posters of open-heart surgery and macro shots of black lung, by the time I get from Point A to Point B, I am ready to gouge my eyes out.

Strangely enough, the most terrifying posters are usually the ones annotated in Spanish.  I don’t know if it’s just that I am unable to give the grotesque photographs context, thereby nullifying their visual potency or what, but the few times I have really wanted to wretch, this has been the case.

The other day I had the pleasure of sitting across from a poster featuring the pulverized face of a man, sporting some gnarly gash on his forehead and a mélange of attractive bruises.  He looked like he’d either fallen off of a building or been subjected to a three-day gangbang.

I go to the first line, attempting to pull some of my rudimentary knowledge of Spanish out of the recesses of my high school brain.  “Dos tragos antes te hubieres marchado.”  Nope.  I got nothing.  There’s no mention of el bano or el gato; if you ever need to talk about restrooms or cats, I’m your girl.  Thankfully, I am able to work more easily with the second line: “Beber en exceso es peligroso.”  I sound the letters out in a moronic hooked-on-phonics pace in my head that would have put the tenth grade version of me to shame.  Drinking in excess is dangerous…I get that much, but what the hell was this guy supposed to be drinking?  Forty shots of Absinthe?  Fifteen flaming margaritas?

I think the real story here isn’t that Senior Boozehound knocked back two too many beers, but that he started his morning off with a fifth of tequila, chased that with a trip to Las Vegas, accidentally smoked a mysterious white powder, smacked a stripper’s ass in the champagne room and got thrown in jail for any one of the subsequent idiotic things he did over the course of that night.  Because that, mi amigo, would be truly peligroso.