“A Suicidal Single Fashion Girl Valentine’s Day!” on The Style Con

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The following is my piece “A Suicidal Single Fashion Girl Valentine’s Day!” as seen on The Style Con:

Valentine’s Day. I hate it just as much as you do. You, that lonely dejected person reading this sentence through tears, staring at the glowing surface of your MacBook Pro while a damp film blurs your vision, your whole world a runny painting of absolute sadness. You, that depressed sack who sobs at the sight of heart-shaped boxes filled with cheap American chocolate wrapped in waxed paper. You, who cringe at the sight of hand-holders, bristle at love songs, long for an end. Singular. Lonely. You.

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“NYFW: A Guide for Creepy Pervs” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “NYFW: A Guide for Creepy Pervs” as seen on The Style Con:

It’s New York Fashion Week casting season and you know what that means! Time to break up with that girl you’ve been dating! There’s no place quite like New York to live in the perpetual quest of the Bigger Better Deal, and no better time to capitalize on that dick-driven delusion quite like NYFW. Yes, this is a magical time in a magical place. On any given Sunday there is always someone richer, hotter, and younger than what you’ve currently got welded onto your ankle, chaffing your skin and annoying the shit out of you. NYFW, with its parade of 100-pound baby aliens, will make you regret every vaguely old, not entirely pretty chick you’ve liked over the last ten years, sending you weeping into your pillow at night over years of low standards. Love really is a beast of burden, especially when you’re trying to prove to all your dude friends that you’re the man in the Bang Department. That’s right. Bang Department.

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“Xiao Wen Ju – From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my regular series “From Nada to Prada,” as seen on The Style Con:

When Chinese model Xiao Wen Ju first got her start in 2010, she arrived on the scene with the over-dyed, strawberry brown hair one might find on any frightfully ordinary lass in a domestic cell phone campaign. But to be booking that haute couture ish, you better be lookin’ extra-ordinary. Just a few months into the game, Xiao got the memo and quickly took her hair back to its dark, silky roots. Voila! A star is born.

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“One of Many: Dimes and Dozens” on Lady Clever

Screen shot 2014-02-01 at 9.01.17 AMThe following is an excerpt from my piece “One of Many: Dimes and Dozens” as seen on Lady Clever:

There’s no sign-in sheet. Which is bad, you know, because there’s already about forty-five girls here, all in roughly the same make and model: thin, tall, mostly blonde and usually Russian. A familiar hum of all-too-familiar conversations buzzes in between walls the color of radioactive tangerines. “It’s from Miami,” someone says. “What did you do last night?” asks another. “We’re not that young anymore!” quips a blonde on the couch, at least six years younger than myself. All the girls around her laugh in dumb chorus.

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“Agnes Nabuurs: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Agnes Nabuurs: From Nada to Prada” as seen on The Style Con:

“She’s so ‘normal’ looking to me, but it’s nice…” 

So wrote one commenter of Dutch model Agnes Nabuurs on The Fashion Spot’s message board, a place where model enthusiasts stalk, chart, post, revere, revile, and – in my case – research. It is the beta Magna Carta of careers, where you get a chronological, documented account of a girl’s appearance in the fashion world, from potentially regrettable start to laughably lucrative finish. Had I more a remarkable career myself, I would have hated this website. But I didn’t, so yay!

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“Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Drug Addiction: A Beauty Guide!” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my regular column “Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Drug Addiction” as seen on The Style Con:

Coke. Zip. Blow. Snow. Gutter glitter. Tardust. Candy cane. Base. Riding the white horse. Petting albino bunny rabbits or whatever you or your grandma calls it — I, as your drug addict’s beauty editor, was admittedly nervous to bring up the topic of cocaine as it pertains to beauty regimes because of our admittedly chic, cosmopolitan and fashionable readership. I understand. Coke has become, for many, a social necessity. Your fabulous life does not allow for boredom or sleep. Your fabulous life also can’t afford you rolling around the city looking like party girl garb. You need me. Just like cocaine.

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“Drug Dealer Fashion: Hits and Misses” on The Style Con

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The follow is an excerpt from my piece “Drug Dealer Fashion: Hits and Misses” as seen on The Style Con:

Murderous drug lord and up-and-coming style star Jose Rodrigo Arechiga Gamboa (known in friendlier circles as “El Chino Antrax”) was recently arrested in the Netherlands at the request of the U.S. government and Interpol for, well, mostly the whole drugs and murder thing. As a member of one of Mexico’s gnarliest drug organizations, Sinaloa Cartel (just in case you were wondering where you were getting all your blow from), Gamboa is suspected of killing and hanging three men off a bridge in 2011, though it is not clear as to what order those events occurred. No matter, they’re dead.

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“Yo, White Lady. Don’t Sit on Black People” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece recently featured on The Style Con:

Just in time for Martin Luther King Day, Russian socialite, Garage Magazine Editor-in-Chief, and privileged white person Dasha Zhukova was busted in a picture sitting on a black lady wearing panties and tranny shoes in a shoot for Miroslava Duma’s Buro 24/7. I mean, she’s not literally sitting on a black person. This isn’t like that scene in Bruno when Paula Abdul (American Idol host and signer of my once favorite ‘80s jam “Straight Up”), for some shameful amount of time, was coaxed into using a Mexican man as a settee. But still, whether made of epoxy resin or skin and bones, it doesn’t matter. White ladies, you are not allowed to sit on black people. Never ever ever ever.

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“Andreea Diaconu: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con

Screen-Shot-2014-01-05-at-11.12.05-AMThe following is an excerpt from my piece “Andreea Diaconu: From Nada to Prada” on The Style Con:

“No Makeup.” That’s one of the first categories of Google-able images you’ll find of Romanian model Andreea Diaconu, second only to “Street Style” – which basically means bitch has a wardrobe and a face that will make you hate her desperately. And let’s not even talk about that body. Jesus Christ. Life, as many know all too well, is not always fair. It doles out its blessings unevenly, like a crappy saltshaker with half of its holes corroded with an old, brackish crust. Some people get nothing, most people get something, and others get it all. Andreea falls into the latter camp.

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“Of Course Sex Sells (You F%*king Idiot)” on The Style Con

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Of Course Sex Sells (You F%*king Idiot)” as seen on The Style Con:

For a student of fashion and a person well-versed enough in pornography, I am fucking garbage at this game. Earlier this week, Nss Magazine released their online “Fashion or Porn” quiz, much to the delight of fashion whores and perverts everywhere. It goes a little something like this: A tiny fraction of an image is revealed on a page – a gaping mouth, two breasts smashed together, someone administering a titty twister in extreme close-up – and you use your best judgment to determine whether it’s, you know, porn or fashion. Easy? Not really.Out of 40 images, I only achieved five correct guesses in a row, mostly because I had seen in them in previous plays. Play it yourself and you’ll find yourself mistakenly answering “PORN” instead of “FASHION” more often than not, punished with an Operation-like “wrong” buzzing noise and a wide shot of some slooze’s shaved labia in gruesome detail. And even when you’re right, your “reward” is still said labia, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing what some stranger’s “O” face looks like.

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