“A Valuable Lesson in Being Yourself” on Lady Clever

tumblr_mh3g08XCbg1qa70eyo1_500The following is an excerpt from my piece “A Valuable Lesson in Being Yourself,” as seen on Lady Clever:

All the blood has begun to drain from my head, across my chest, through my arms, down my legs, and into my feet, where the energy that I imagine I am made of disappears through the cracks in the floor of this dark room. And so I stand, an empty tin can of a girl, lightheaded and speechless. I don’t know what I expected the answer to be when I asked the boy who never asked me to brunch what it was about me that wasn’t enough. You don’t normally ask loaded questions like this. But when you’re drunk and feeling the sting of rejection like a fresh, red welt, this is precisely the question you ask.

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“TIME Made an App That Just Gave Me Acute Anxiety” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “TIME Made an App That Just Gave Me Acute Anxiety” as seen on Lady Clever:

TIME Can Predict Your Perfect Marriage Date” reads the title, quickly followed by an article that proceeds to talk about how Facebook makes us so unhappy, what with all that wretched “compare and contrast” business going on. Jim Bemis’ posh life in London, Jackie Gabriel’s nearly enviably “job” as a groupie: It’s impossible to not notice where other people are in their lives and where you are not. Facebook is the canvas with which we paint self-portraits, largely in mistaken relation to other people and signed agreeably in our own blood.

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“The Spectrum of Effort” on Lady Clever

Screen shot 2014-02-01 at 9.04.38 AMThe following is an excerpt from my piece “The Spectrum of Effort” as seen on Lady Clever:

Sweat pours from every inch of every body in this smelly, disgusting room. The towel on my yoga matt is drenched, slate blue where it once was gray, soaking up to the best of its ability while my vision floats somewhere between the ceiling and myself, unfocussed and unstrained in a restorative shavasana. We get thirty seconds here. Thirty beautiful, empty seconds.

“Go from one-hundred-percent effort to zero-percent effort,” the instructor says, a disembodied voice somewhere in another corner of the room. “Do it so quickly and so fully that everything in between disappears, like it never happened.”

I started taking Bikram yoga over a year ago to deal with some Hurricane Sandy-induced cabin fever, which was so significant it trumped all my years of humming and hawing over the aforementioned sweat and stink that was previously a workout deal breaker. The first class sent me out the door reeling in an exhaustion-induced, dehydration-riddled high that has since become more manageable in the year since I began practicing. But I don’t come for the highs anymore; I come to have my brain rewired within my skull, the thought processes altered in a way I cannot exactly describe. I come here for seemingly meaningless instructions that pertain to a pose that actually pertain to your life.

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“Gripes from Singleland” on Lady Clever

a-boy-standing-aloneThe following is an excerpt from my piece “Gripes from Singleland” on Lady Clever:

As each month passes, my kind becomes increasingly obsolete, a species on the verge of extinction. Our numbers dwindle, slowly at first and then more quickly towards the end, an insidious but expected decline, until, all of a sudden, you look around and you’re the only one left, the lone surviving cockroach after the asteroid strikes. Yes, that’s me. The last single girl in the room. The incidental holdout. The persistent proverbial roach.

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“Piecing It Together: Having It All, Means Not” on Lady Clever

Vintage_Family_Photo_9_by_spicorder_stockThe following is an excerpt from my piece “Piecing It Together: Having It All, Means Not” as seen on Lady Clever:

Three years ago I dated an ambitious young train wreck who, along with whispering creepy nothings into my ear into the wee hours of the morning, told me something unsettling that would keep me up at night long after the relationship had terminated: Either everything is going great with your career, or everything is going great with love; you can’t have both. (Given that he was crushing it in the career department at the time, I had to make the grim deduction that I was representative of a depressing love life. Guy really knew how to charm a girl.) Having immediately dismissed the comment as being the drunken musings of a sad and lonely man, I believed him to be wrong. And, with the optimism only a 26-year-old fresh off the boat to New York City after an LA-breakup could be capable of, I rebuked him. Nay, cynic! I argued. You can have it all! Dream it all! Be it all! Of course, I kept this naïve proclamation to myself, since his shifty eyes and chain-smoking proclivities scared me a little bit.

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“Ask a Lady: Money Talks” on Harry’s Five O’Clock Magazine

IMG_3108The following is an excerpt from my column, “Ask a Lady: Money Talks” on Harry’s Five O’Clock Magazine:

Money. There are television shows about it, books written on it, websites dedicated to its discussion. Empires rise and fall on the ebb and flow of the greenback tide. We handle it every day. Its existence is unavoidable, omnipresent. But when it comes to talking about cash, one-on-one, what’s appropriate?

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“Too Much is Never Enough” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my piece “Too Much is Never Enough” on Lady Clever:

Four years ago, a friend of mine was going through relationship troubles with her then-boyfriend. Struggling with the idea of letting go of a person she loved very much, she, like many models tend to do, sought the advice of another half-naked coworker, an older Brazilian girl with whom she had often been trapped in a closet with for long stretches of time, alternating between trying on clothes for strangers and talking about life. Before the break-up that inevitably came, the Brazilian, in her deep, sexy Portuguese accent told my friend, “Girl, do not worry. You have too much sand for his sand truck.”

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“A Different Kind of Mile High Club” on Lady Clever

1960s-man-woman-airplane-cabin-stewardess-suits-vintage-photo-aluminum-can-advertisement-sodaThe following is an excerpt from my piece “A Different Kind of Mile High Club” on Lady Clever:

By the grace of the travel gods I have been upgraded to business class and am currently sitting next to a successful art director wearing very expensive sneakers and a pair of well-cut jeans. We bonded when he handed me, without even saying a word, a copy of Interview Magazine. Soon after our dinner accompanied by actual silverware was delivered, we became good chums, toasting the good life with plastic wine glasses filled with cheap Chardonnay. This is the type of stuff that occurs in the forward of an aircraft, unlike what routinely happens to me in coach, which is to be harassed by oafs for pieces of gum and starved out for about six hours. Apparently, getting upgraded isn’t just about the cookies; it’s about the company.

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Field Trip: “Focussed on Things That Matter” on Lady Clever

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The following is an excerpt from my recent piece “Focussed on Things That Matter,” as seen on Lady Clever:

“Hey, Jenny. It’s ____________. Your friends gave me your phone number after you left. Give me a call or text me whenever. I’d like to buy you a drink.”

After being single for practically four years, you would think a text message like this would leave a girl swooning, but not here, not in New York. The phrase “give me a call” immediately sends my stomach falling through the floor, my senses overcome with a combination of paralysis and nausea. Give me a call… This isn’t the charmed opening for a lifelong relationship; it is the death knell for my own sanity, a Venus flytrap I have finally begun to see for what it is. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 43 times, shame on me. Like an old basketball player fearing broken bones, I have taken myself out of the game.

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