Close Your Eyes and Cover Your Ears

Kei$ha – “We R Who We Are”

As a general impression, Kei$ha reminds me of a mistake some guy makes when he first moves to Los Angeles, fresh off the boat from desolate nowhere, drinking tequila and absinthe in a bar somewhere in Silverlake until he has lost all of his new friends and 98% of his vision.  She’s the type of thing you wake up next to, the light of day pouring on her glitter and nose ring, and you throw yourself out of the nearest window, caring little about where the ground is in relation to your jumping point.

In this video, Kei$ha is now the mayor of post-apocalypse Los Angeles, where the only thing that has managed to survive the fallout is terrible music, bad lyrics, and a whole lot of sparkly shit.

To keep on living, I’ve convinced myself that Kei$ha is actually a self-parody genius and the joke’s on us.  Right?  Because I just subjected myself to the line “And no you don’t want to mess with us/ Got Jesus on my neck-uh-lez-uz-ez.”  That can’t be real.  Like, come on.

The Downtown Fiction – “I Just Wanna Run”

First impression: Rock & Roll Jonas Brothers waiting for their collective balls to drop.

Second Impression: Strangely associating it with a scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the part where he’s dancing on a float somewhere in Chicago.  It might be the hips swaying that goes on in both…I’m not quite sure.  I know it is a shame to drag such a classic film into this, but I can’t help the way my brain works just like these kids can’t help but make music I’ve been hearing for the last nine years.

Third Impression: Did this director take Literal Lyrical Class 101?  The running sequences that happen during the chorus line make me feel like interval training down Manhattan Avenue.  I do give them some credit for throwing some ninjas into this thing.  Ninjas are awesome.

Big Time Rush – “Big Night”

It’s Going to be a Big Night (Singing in Shopping Malls)

Okay.  I thought this whole grown-men-dancing-in-unison thing had fallen by the wayside over five years ago.  I’m having flashbacks to 98 Degrees and men in white linen pants that are giving me hives.  My first and only thought, aside from the brief idea of plunging knives into my eyeballs, is that they should maybe be spending less money on private planes and more on legitimate videos and a choreographer.

The Ready Set – “More Than Alive”

COME ON WITH THESE HAIRCUTS.  Seriously!!!  I thought Never Shout Never was the only poor fucker this happened to.  It’s like the I’m-a-more-serious-artists-than-Justin-Bieber cut.  The I’m-a-little-bit-funky-I’m-a-little-bit-rock-and-roll look.  This is an epidemic we just take seriously or there are going to be a whole lot of American high school students regretting their yearbook photos in five years.

Flo Rida – “What Dat Girl”

Aside from sounding nearly the same as Kei$ha’s song, I have no complaints from this couch; these guys know how to throw a fucking party.  Good light?!  Day-Glo paint?!  Happy New Year’s Eve.  I’m in.

PS: She ain’t no actress/ the movie’s on my mattress



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