The kids…they grow up so fast…
In the spirit of killing time in Bellevue, Washington, I fortuitously stumbled upon a Halloween costume popup warehouse. Now generally I’m no advocate of uncreative, cheap, cookie cutter costumes made out of plastic, but I figured I could maybe be inspired to create something myself once I got home. Market research is always a good idea. My mom’s a financial analyst. I know these things.
I am well familiar with the time-honored tradition of slutting it up come All Hallow’s Eve. Although I have never personally ventured down that yellow brick road myself (Slutty Dorothy, anyone?), I have been forced to stare at my fair share of cleavage – of chest and of bum.
Despite my peripheral familiarity with these ladies of the night and their chosen garb, I hadn’t really considered the source of said items. I never thought to ask any of these holiday whores where they got their festive costumes. Perhaps I was too busy judging them on their lack of creativity and their need for attention in the form of an erection.
All of the questions I had never dared ask were answered today in this sleepy Seattle suburb. When I stepped into The Halloween Warehouse, I entered a parallel universe, where fantasies exist in unashamed glory that I could have never even dreamed up with the aid of potent hallucinogens. The following is my list of personal favorites from this enlightening day of discovery. I have to say, it’s a most informative read. Maybe you’ll even find something for the kids!
FROM THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
If cops looked like this boys might actually behave better. That or bulletproof chastity belts would make their way into the required uniform. There could be a potential problem with the lack of coverage in the breast area, however.
Here’s a taste of my favorite names:
Miss Demeanor – A+ for (butt) cheekiness
Sexy Cop Lady – Really gets the point. Isn’t that they all are, anyway?
6 PC Officer Frisk Me Costume – Simultaneously specific, descriptive, and commanding
FOR YOUR FAVORITE TEENAGER
I was a little bit disturbed by a couple of the more risque costumes targeted specifically to girls who probably aren’t on birth control yet. Hottie Totties is a brand of costumes with the tagline “Get em while they’re hot.” Call me old fashioned but I immediately associate the innuendo with statutory rape, consensual or otherwise.
FOR THOSE WHO JUST CAN’T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS
These ladies are so revved up for seXmas they just might explode! Red fishnets, reindeer whips, all of the necessary and appropriate yuletide fetish items. Crammed in between “Underwear Noel” and “Lace Up Miss Santa Outfit” was poor “Lil Miss Santa Suit” delightfully modeled by a 2nd grader. Her cherubic face free of makeup and the lines from a hard life working the pole was in great contrast to the adult model below her, doing a fine job of scaring me into Judaism. I was confused about the woman in a nude jumper straining to control two giant breasts while wearing a red nose and antlers. She smiled beguiling and she seemed trustworthy, but I could practically see the lines of her areolas under that ridiculous catsuit. It didn’t come in the package so I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that it was not intended to be pornographic.
TO SLUT OR NOT TO SLUT
After twenty minutes in the store, my eyes adjusted to skank in the way that parents talk about when their children are exposed to too much sex on TV. Bare ass cheeks in public? Why not?! What did begin to throw me for a loop were the costumes that didn’t involve defiling your dignity. I felt especially bad for “Pocahontas” who presented her flute like a tray of hors d’ oeuvres with no attempt to turn the wooden rod into a phallic symbol. She was like an Amish kid in Manhattan. How could she compete with “Sexy Indian Princess” with all her silent promises to lay all of the Protestants? Makes me think that small pox was code word for something else. And what did “Pocahontas” have that “Rhinestone Cowgirl” couldn’t’ offer? Especially when this cowgirl came with a lasso and DSLs?
STOP HORSING AROUND
“Dirty Diva” is a sexy little jockey sure to get a wild case of chaffing on her thighs if she attempts the equestrian center in her hot pink skirt. She stares out of her plastic packaging while biting her whip enticingly. I do not know if she is communicating to me or her horse…a distinction that might need to be made. But perhaps I’m being prudish. That kind of content seems to be quite lucrative on the Internet. Maybe Diva’s an entrepreneur!
While perusing the Nun section I discover a friend of mine has someone been suckered into the costume trade. 2009 has been a hard year on all of us so I won’t divulge names. Plus, I’ve been there. Seriously.
SLUTTY COSTUMES OF SLUTS
I thought it was a little redundant to even have “Red Light Rita” amongst naked girl popes, big breasted angels, and undressed pirates. Not to say she didn’t give these whores a run for their money. I mean, she is the professional in the group.
For those of us who are going to get even BIGGER after all the contents of those chocolate-candy-filled pillowcases get crammed into our mouths, fear not! There are plus size costumes to accommodate the rampant obesity in this country. For anyone interested, you have your pick of “Big and Beautiful Mother Superior”, “My Size Disguise Witch”, or “Corn: One Size Fits Most.” I sure hope so.
I was going to leave without giving the boys’ isle a gander, but thank the good Lord I didn’t! There was plenty to see here. For any adult male that still yearns to be a superhero, a sports superstar, or just someone hell-bent on telling the world they’ve never outgrown a fart joke, this place is just the ticket.
WHAT’S THE PLURAL FOR “PENIS”
Nothing screams appropriate for a kiddy holiday like a giant phallic symbol. Or in the case of the “What’s under that Kilt” costume, an actual giant fabricated version. Top winners in the wiener department include “Snake Charmer” and “Department of Erections.” The blue ribbon goes to “Longuini and Meatballs” featuring a laughing Italian server holding a plate of fabric spaghetti in front of his groin area. Not so discreetly popping forth from the pasta is a giant sausage flanked by two meatballs. Later I find that this Italian is quite popular in the costume model community. He seems to be having a swell time while modeling “Freshman 15.” I laughed out loud seeing his grinning head buried in a ladies fat suit, gut exposed and wearing a turquoise tube top. And just in case you were worried, the tramp stamp comes included.