Coachella Checklist

Hindsight’s always 20/20, but this list shall serve me well for Coachella 2010. Here are the apparent must-haves of Indio’s musical sweat fest.

1. Vibrant colored plastic glasses. Now, I doubt that these have any UVA/UVB protection embedded in their cheap little lenses but if you want your outfit doused in a good measure of irony these are the shades for you. My brother owned a pair of these when he was about three. I remember them well because he was wearing them when he whacked me on the head with a flute. I bled. He giggled.

2. Marijuana and MDMA. It might just be me, but it seems as though mushrooms dipped in popularity this year. Apparently the kids just want to feel good and rub each other, not stare at the sky and see God riding a unicorn.

3. Bare ass cheeks. I caught quite a bit of bum at the shows. It came in many shapes and sizes, with cellulite and occasionally without. It peeked out from under short shorts and sequined daisy dukes, a little crescent shaped piece of booty. There was one jumper-clad girl whom I could see her cheeks from the back as well as the front (time for some squats m’lady!). But my favorite pieces of ass was most definitely that of the girl whom walked past me while I was seated on the ground waiting for The Kills to play. Her acid wash denim shorts were essentially summertime chaps; they were torn and shredded and had two holes connected by two strings, top and bottom, through which her bikini bottoms poked through quite prolifically. I was dazzled.

4. S.U.S.Ds (Sweaty Ugly Sugar Daddys) Paying for your own ticket is highly overrated. If you’re a girl and you’ve got some boobs, all you have to find is a boob of a man to mooch off of. They’ve got houses with pools on lock down, free drugs, full-time chefs, backstage passes, etc. All you have to do is ignore the nagging suspicion that you might get raped in your sleep by some out of work investment banker. And don’t worry when people give you that “nothing is free” speech. You won’t have to blow the guy because someone else will inevitably be taking one for the team.

5. War Wounds. A testament that you truly weathered the Coachella storm, these little scrapes and bruises give stories to tell until Neosporin is no longer necessarily. Three friends came away wounded after hopping the fence having convinced an off-duty Marine cum security guard to give them 10 seconds to attempt it. A friend of mine scraped his shoulder and elbow falling off of a golf cart. The beauty of this tragic tale is that it simultaneously illicit sympathy and jealousy, as people that “know” know that golf carts are only found shuttling stars and rock stars around the backstage area. Sadly, all I came away with was the plastic shoe induced double blister on the bottom of my left foot. Target shoes are cheap for a reason.

6. Bootie Sandals. Not a sandal, not a boot. These puppies give you the illusion of sensible ankle support, the slouchiness of a your favorite de-elasticized leather gym sock, and the freedom of a flip flop. Thank goodness for these. I couldn’t imagine another year watching those poor girls walk around in cowboy boots in 100 degree heat.

7. Public Boob Grabs. Apparently the security guards didn’t catch the P.D.A. hidden in people’s nap sacks. The boys reached around, reached under, and reached in. I had to light a cigarette afterward, I felt so personally involved in the act.


One thought on “Coachella Checklist

  1. Nicholas Jarecki says:

    the quality of writing and humor is high here but the level of anger and general misanthropy on display in this post and the one below it is frightening. yes, life often sucks and is unfair. is this news?

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